Finding my purpose

For years I have thought that my purpose was my job.  Last night, that idea crumbled. 

I was doing some personal development work - Byron Katie's The Work - when I realised that I had been afraid of failing in my career.  This had prevented me from applying for jobs I could have done, but in which feared I might fail. 

When I turned this belief around I discovered I had also been afraid of succeeding in my career.  This had prevented me from applying for jobs I could have done, but in which feared I might succeed. 

When I turned that belief around I discovered I had also been afraid of mediocrity in my career.  This had prevented me from applying for jobs I could have done, but in which feared I might be bored. 

As that idea settled, and I got past my Ego's embarrassment at making no sense to myself, a realisation dawned.  My purpose in life is to become clear in myself.  It has never been about my job.  It has always been about myself, about inner clarity, about aligning with my soul, as consciously as I can.

Jobs have come and gone.  Some I have loved, and some I have loathed; but my passion has always been increasing my level of self awareness.  It was so obvious, I never got it.  My passion is my purpose: it is my soul journey.

The nature of beauty

It happens to every one, you have to acknowledge you're aging.  Some people do it gracefully.  I'm not in that category.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be 42 in a few weeks.  I have had a very rich life and that is the true measure of a life.  Not wrinkles.  Wrinkle-free skin is not the measure of a good life.  Regardless of what the beauty industry wants me to believe, that eternal beauty is just a pot of face cream away, humans do age. Yet I have to keep reminding myself of this fact. 

Last week my brother's girlfriend called me "ma'am". I was appalled.  Actually, in truth, it was my vanity that suffered, deep down I know I look, more or less, 41 and 11/12ths.  I'm aging.  It shows.  That's natural. 

Which brings me to middle age.  In eight years I'll be 50!  As a child I used to think that to die at 30 would be perfect, as then I'd have lived the beautiful part of life - such is the logic of seven year old.  Embracing the years beyond 30 becomes more about attitude and less about the surface beauty for me.

My definition of beauty is changing: I now find less beautiful people more interesting, more captivating.  When I started exploring this, I realised that it is because beauty can blind me to what lies below.  It is beauty of character that really matters. 

Years ago I had a vision in which a sage said, "True beauty is how beautiful others feel when they are with you."  That says it all.

Love in action

What's my problem?  Well, not problem so much as my fault, failing or foible?  I was wondering how I could be a better wife today. 

Is it false modesty that I couldn't think of anything! Until I did think of something.  Forgiving imperfection...  Don't sweat the small stuff...  Or, more acurately, if I can't say something kind, don't say anything.

One thing I could do that would definitely enhance Dirk's quality of life is to stay quiet more often.  Do I really need to point out that he's put the bowls away in the wrong order again?  There are three reasons why this idea merits my consideration.


First, such small quirks are our personal 'imperfections'.  I have my own collection of quirks, would it not behove me to be as forgiving with his as he is with mine?  As I read today, 'perfection is achieved by accepting our imperfections'.
Second, who says my order is the 'right' order?
Third, telling him has not changed the order in which he puts them back anyway!  Surely it's wise to accept the things we cannot change.

This is a simple kindness, it's my love in action.

The divine within

In esoteric circles it is taught that we are made in the image of 'God', rather than vice vearsa.  In recent times, it's been hard to see that connection, even if I believe it to be there.  Recently I've felt so far off track that I had to relaunch my search, so to speak.  I couldn't find the divine within at all.

So I have working with some angel cards I have to try to re-establish my connection.  To be honest, I didn't understand the readings.  I've had to go back over them several times but the insight appears to be this.  To reconnect with the divine within requires just two steps: the first, to acknowledge where we are honestly - this is my truth, right here, right now.  The second step is pay slightly more attention to whatever modicum of good we can find in our honest reality.

That has to be as unglamourous as the spiritual path can get: this is how it is, this is the bit that brings me joy.  Honest acceptance.  A little optimism, indicating that we trust that everything really is working out for our highest good, regardless of how we may judge our present circumstances.

Double prayer power

I was sitting in the car yesterday, saying a prayer outloud.  Rather than asking for something I've read that prayer is better expressed as a thank you, as this shows that you have confidence that you can "ask and it is given".

In that vein, my prayer was, "Thank you Archangel Michael for keeping James and I safe on our journey and blessing all those whose paths we cross," when, from the back of the car, came a little "Dank ooh", as James added his bit to the prayer.

What divine being could resist the sincerity of a toddler's confident thanks!