Of melt-downs, meditation and the gift of wisdom

I had a minor meltdown this morning.  I can offer reasons why - the lights in the bathroom fused, I broke a wineglass (not mine, I hasten to add!), I spent ages on hold with Inland Revenue, a crying baby, lack of sleep... The thing is, in every life, there will be an accumulation of little things that suddenly bubble up and we feel overcome.  So what then?

Several hours later, James feel asleep and I got a chance to meditate.  For me, meditation is about trying to soften the relentless chatter in my mind.  It's a break from myself!  Simply refocusing on my breathing, over and over again, eventually brings a sense of distance from the internal disquiet and, with it, a greater sense of calm. 

It's only then that I can go a level deeper and become curious about what wisdom is waiting patiently to reveal itself to me.  I don't chase the wisdom.  I simply sit - still breathing! - knowing that I will gain an insight into my situation that will provide comfort and deepen my understanding of life. 

Nor did Wisdom disappoint me.  The insight I gained was that the real reason for feeling overwhelmed and unhappy was the gap between the life I'm living and the dreams I have for myself and my family: a job that is meaningful (my most recent job application didn't even make it to the interview stage) and a home to replace our rather 'bijou' flat. 

The Aha moment!  So I'm living in the shadow of my own dreams - how many of us are doing that?!  Walking the path to the future does require patience.  It also requires, above and beyond all else, respect for the present moment, of who and where I am right now, even while I cherish the dream of who I wish to become and where I dream of living. 

It's a paradox, loving the future vision even while cherishing the present reality, because this present was once a dream I aspired to and am now living.