Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Getting out of my own way
As I write, I'm waiting to hear if our offer has been accepted. This potential property is a house. Well, almost! It dates from before WW2 and is a flat on top of three garages, so it requires conversion. It's got character and is located on a lovely leafy road. It has massive potential.
And even as my mind sees the potential, my fears have erected roadblocks and cordoned off the area! This timing could not be worse, from my point of view.
If we were to get it, we'd be moving in around my due date: that means packing, unpacking, coorindating a dozen support services (from electricity to phones), finding a new hospital to give birth in, organising builders to convert the downstairs, learning how to care for a baby, coordinating the conversion process, and developing a support network from scratch... Ah yes, I've created an impressive list of Fear Factors... And we don't even know if we have the house yet!
But this is indicative of how my mind works - and perhaps others experience similar reactions... When big change looms, our previous lives can seem very comforting and inviting, like a warm duvet inviting us back into bed on a frosty morning.
And what's even harder to admit is what I've done with my fears. I've projected them onto Dirk: 'It's his fault.' Doesn't he see how scary this is for me? And, given the hours he works, what a massive commitment this requires in every aspect of my life? Why can't he like something more.....? I've created a little drama in which he's to blame and I'm the victim.
Now, I want to be very clear here as well. He has said we can retract our offer if I want to, if I feel that this is too much to take on right now. Moreover, as the business is currently 'on hold', I have the free time to commit to organising this process.
This is my drama, my creation. What is interesting to me is the opportunity that this presents to me to walk my talk. How do I - when faced with quite big fears at a time when I'm already anxious about the prospect of birth/raising a child without family and friends around - experience my fear, my drama, and find a way through this?
Massive changes can evoke massive fear and resistance. And I could choose to stay here, in my drama. But would that be honouring the contractions of fear, or the expansion of spirit? Would that be moving towards the potential? Or would that be giving into the fear?
Sometimes fear is a valuable friend: it can be my intuition warning me to get out of a potentially dangerous situation. Other times, it is counter-productive: it's trying to keep me 'safe', according to the guidelines my mind developed to keep me safe as a child.
But I don't think it's intuition. Last night, I had a brief moment in which I felt, deep inside, "I can do this." So I have an sense that this is the 'right' move. My challenge now is to step into that process (if we get the house!), not as a victim, blaming Dirk for bad timing and a 'distant' location, but as an active co-creator, shaping the life that we wish to create for our family.