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Thursday, 30 September 2010
On the lighter side
Small things in life can become greater challenges. Socks are now out, except at weekends, as I need help to get them on. Well, technically, I can do it myself, but the level of discomfort involved has meant that I don't!
Equally, I think twice and even three times before picking something up off the floor. Nor is the route to the floor so graceful... bending is out of the question, so it resembles a mid-air three-point-turn, as I coordinate knees and hands down to the ground. I was unimpressed at the weekend when, delighted to have retrieved the button, I lost my balance as I slowly started to stand up! My centre of gravity has moved!
And speaking of moving, as the baby grows, I would have imagined there was much less space for him... Not is his* opinion, he's moving around as if it were the South Pacific in there! On the other hand, I can't breathe properly any more, so I sound as though I have altitude sickness, even when I'm in bed! And my stomach and bowels are, to be polite, constricted!
But I have new talents too! I can balance my stomach on the kitchen counter! It's just a shame that I discovered that ability while standing close to the cooker! I am now at the point where small, light objects can be transported on top of my stomach - who needs a third hand?!
As for Braxton-Hicks contractions... who knew there were so many different types? There are ones that seize up the back, there are lower abdominal contractions, there are even upper abdominal contractions! And, because I have no idea what early labour feels like, I imagine each and every new set of cramps to be the start of labour. At least I'm not dragging Dirk home from work each time I experience a new twinge: he'd spend more time on the tube than at work if that were the case!
It even feels as though we are living in a hotel at the moment... I have developed a wee obsession with cleanliness and tidiness - not that I'm a very messy person anyway - but right now, it's all got to look perfect when the baby comes home, as the baby's eyesight extends 20 cm, there's a rich irony it his lack of ability to appreciate his gleaming home-coming! But the flat has to stay perfect each and every day, as I never know when the great moment will arrive! It's a good job I don't have to balance this cleaning with a job!!
As I write all this, I have a huge smile on my face. This is an adventure and a privilege. I am excited to share my body with this baby, and deeply honoured that he's chosen us to be his parents. I am also in a state of awe...
What astounds me is how this whole process - from conception to fetal growth to birth - happens in spite of me! There really is nothing I need to do - the process is unfolding according to its own wisdom. And, in a certain moment, the baby will emit a hormone that says he's ready to be born, and my body will respond with hormones to make that happen. How subtle a process, for a baby to 'decide' the moment has arrived and announce it with something as minute as a chemical change... There is something both primal and yet simultaneously sacred about the deep, unconscious 'knowing' of this entire process. And the realisation of how I can over complicate life by over-thinking it!
This truly has been a miraculous journey, a dance that I am elated to have danced because, regardless of how complicated the steps were, or how I felt I messed them up, I have been enriched immeasurably by this experience. And they say the best is yet to come...!
This sacred moment
The cramps neither intensified or disappeared. Dirk went to work and, as the hours passed, I wondered how to truly honour this event, how to acknowledge the sacredness of a life emerging.
Should I stay in a semi-meditative state? Listen to calming music? Or would sacred music be better?
In the event, Nothing happened. It was just more muscle practice as my body prepares itself for the great event.
Which led me to the question: How do we honour a sacred moment?
I would argue that every moment is a sacred moment, if only we weren't so busy rushing through it to get to the next moment. I am acutely aware of my desire to rush through this 'waiting period', these last days of pregnancy, maybe even the birth itself, in order to meet the baby.
And what then, will I rush through his/her infancy? Toddlerhood? School years?...
So how do I honour the millions of sacred moments I'm living, as I live them? I think it's probably deceptively simple - which is why I struggle with it! I suspect that it's about bringing my attention to the present moment. It is about simply slowing down enough to notice what is happening right now, rather than missing it because I'm too busy planning for the future or remembering the past.
Bringing our attention to the Now is nothing new. Eckhart Tolle writes beautifully on the subject. The challenge is to implement such a simple practice. It's about slowing down. It's about noticing, softly, that I'm excited, that I'm apprehensive, that I'm cleaning the bathroom again... This noticing has a gentle quality to it: it is accepting, it is compassionate, it is even humourous.
I appreciate how great an honour it is to be pregnant, knowing how difficult it can be to get pregnant. I also know this may be my one and only experience of pregnancy. For me, the best way to honour this (and every) moment, is to notice it; to become gently aware of it, rather than lose the moment as my mind sweeps ahead of where I AM now...
And perhaps, in that noticing, in that gentle awareness, the sacred nature of each moment can begin to reveal itself to me more fully: the richness, vibrancy and wonder of life, however mundane it may seem, can touch my heart in a way that I cannot appreciate when I'm too busy rushing through life, searching out its 'high-points' and missing the wonder of Now.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Notes to my unborn child: Being Openness
I had no sooner closed down the computer yesterday after finishing my note to you, than I realised I had made the classic mistake: I had focused on Doing Openness, and never mentioned Being Openness.
We live in a society that is almost obsessed with doing. Unless we are active, on the move, pursuing goals and dreams, it seems to me that we are viewed as unproductive. But activity for its own sake, simply to be seen to be actively 'doing' or 'busy', can be hollow and meaningless.
What I have learnt about Being Openness
Endless activity is possible - even if it's in the exploration of 'Openness' ... Closedness'! For me, the most meaningful and rewarding actions I've undertaken have always flowed from my 'Beingness', first and foremost. So rather than chase experiences, simply to 'show off' those experiences, like a collection of sports cars, I suggest starting with Being Openness.
For me, Being Openness encompasses mental, emotional and spiritual openness. It is about our willingness to see beyond the limits of our own thoughts, beyond the barriers and walls that we create, and becoming open to understanding how others understand their lives and the world around them.
As I begin to see the world unfurl in new ways, simply through being Open to how others experience the world, it inspires within me the desire to experience the world in different ways. Activities that are prompted by this curiosity, interest or even passion, have been much richer and more nourishing than any activities I've undertaken to avoid boredom, to avoid being alone or to avoid being perceived as lazy and unproductive.
What I wish for you
I would wish for you that your Doing Openness would stem from your Being Openness. Rather than chasing experiences simply to accumulate experiences, I would encourage you to choose activities and experiences that resonate with you at a Being level first and foremost, experiences that pique your curiosity, that inspire you and that draw you towards them; such activities will always enrich and nourish your spirit, heart and mind deeply.
Even if events do not turn out as you plan, your ability to reflect on them and to make meaning from them, by Being Open to What Is, ensures they will be deeply nourishing and will have brought you the experiences that were most aligned with your soul's journey at that moment.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Notes to my unborn child: Openness
Today we're exploring the idea of openness. It's easy to say, 'be open to all life has to offer'. But it's so much harder to do! As we get older, in my 40 years of experience, I've noticed we can get a little too comfortable with what we know, with our routine, with the familiar...
Slowly, almost imperceptibly, we begin serving our routines: we can't go to this play because it will end after we normally go to bed, we can't go to that film because we don't know anything about Japanese cinema, we can't visit that country because we don't know the language/cuisine/culture...
And slowly, our worlds shrink. Our curiosity is dulled. We repeat the same conversations. We lose the opportunity to expand our thinking and to challenge ourselves to go beyond our self-imposed limits. We no longer see the world through the eyes of children, where anything is possible. We see the world through the eyes of fear, control and predictability.
What I have learnt about Openness
Yet again, I must be honest and say that I speak from personal experience above... I have to admit to limiting the adventures and opportunities I've been willing to have for some very small reasons - fear, comfort...
But I have seen wonderful rolemodels. Luke, my brother, is always willing to take on new challenges and, as a result, he's had experiences ranging from working in an orphanage in Belarus to climbing Machu Picchu. Alex did a tour of the world with Maya, her first child, when she was just 6 weeks old. Laura Huxley used to put vegetable leftovers into glass jars so she could marvel at the forms and colours they took on as they decomposed!
And in the moments when I been open to life, to experimenting with something new, I've always been enriched by the process. I've learnt something. I've expanded who I am and how I understand the world. And I've felt a little bit of a fizzle inside, at the sheer joy of being open to life! Like trying to waterski, seeing a great Japanese film from the 1950s, learning some Portugese and Dutch...
What I wish for you
By all means, have a routine that works for you. But let it serve you, don't become a slave to your routines...
I wish that you retain a curiosity about life, an openness to hear new ideas, to experience new adventures and that your life does not shrink to fit around a 9-5 job... that you still experience excitement, challenges and new thoughts.
There are infinite possibilities available to us. Stay open to them. Let life fizzle within you, around you...
Monday, 27 September 2010
Well, having thought the baby was on the way, I was wrong! It was a false alarm. However, false alarms, just like 'real' alarms, can evoke fear...
Having a baby is traditionally seen as a painful process and, at the point where I thought that was the road I was about to journey down, I could feel the fear rising in me. How would I cope with the pain? How would I cope with the baby when s/he was here?
Irrational, unspecific, generalised feelings of anxiety, insecurity and fear arose within me. I even remember one moment when I briefly wondered if I could put off the birth!
This wasn't how I had planned it!
And more importantly, this wasn't who I wanted to be in this situation.
What I learnt was this: I noticed I was afraid, and that noticing automatically meant that there was a distance between 'me' and the 'fear'. Sure, it was a part of me, but it wasn't all of me. There was also the part of me that was observing the fearfulness. That opening, gave me a way to go beyond the fear, to understand that it wasn't all of me, I could choose to breathe deeply and trust myself in an unknown situation.
Right now, I'm focused on the potential challenges of birth, but I'm equally aware that new beginnings in general can evoke some fearfulness in any of us. I know they do for me! This experience was particularly strong for me: in that moment, I clearly understood that although fear can seem to have a firm hold, the moment we notice our fear, we have begun to move beyond it and into a place of deeper wisdom and knowing.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
One flew into the cuckoo's nest...
This week I started 'nesting'... suddenly nothing was clean enough and everything had to be cleaned. Again!
So in the past four days I've done about 8 loads of washing, bleached the bathroom, cleaned out the fridge and freezer... you get the picture. Yesterday, perched on a chair, I decided to tackle the highest kitchen cupboards. I say 'I decided to', but I'm not clear how much discretion I actually had in the decision - it was more like a deep internal compulsion than a rational decision.
As I balanced there, I gradually became aware of impressive waves of pain encircling my back. It took a little longer for me to realise these might be early labour pains; as I'm only just 37 weeks, this is a bit earlier than even I had planned!
It was my reaction to this realisation that intrigued me. I suddenly panicked: not because birth was imminant, but because I may not get everything clean before the birth!
I was timing the contractions (every 12 minutes) yet I still felt compelled to finish the cupboard, change the bed linen and put on another load of washing before allowing myself to relax.
As the waves ebbed and flowed throughout the day, I became lightly obsessed with the cupboard that had 'got away'. By 3.30pm there was still no real progression, so I did the last wash and finished that cupboard. Now I was ready to devote myself to the birthing process. But it wasn't ready for me!
It's mid-day on Thursday 23rd, as I write. And I'm still at home. No real movement yet, so I can only assume that the process is unfurling in tune with its own inner knowing.
The process of birthing is a new journey for me. It has intrigued and excited me for a while... as well as intimidating me. I deeply believe that it is in moments of duress, or exceptional moments, that we have the opportunity to reach towards who we wish to be... we can go beyond our conditioned patterns and step into the person 'we wish we were'. And that is my vision for this birth.
I noticed yesterday (once I got over the Mother Hen Nesting SuperEgo phase) that who I want to be through this process is a strong, supple and focused woman. But rather than searching for that inside, rather than 'becoming' that person, which - to me - implies active mental effort, I wish to be that woman.
By this I mean that I wish to get out of my own way... to allow the process to unfold gracefully around me... to slip below the voices of fear-of-pain, panic-with-the-unknown, and any other voices grappling for control and 'ownership' of this process.
I am choosing, so far, to let these voices go whenever they begin to screech in my mind. As they speak up, I focus on being physical and emotional softness... on breathing... on letting all that is superfulous melt away. How this process will work when the intensity changes, I don't know, but what a blessing to have this journey to play with, to explore...
Last night, my friend Georgeanne dreamt that it would be a very easy birth, and I dreamt that my grandmother, who died 18 years ago, came to me and told me, "Everything is going to be alright".
These are subtle gifts that inspire me and give me hope... this process is unfolding in accordance with an inner wisdom and all I need do is surrender the desire for control, accept that a greater wisdom is conducting this symphony, and allow that wisdom to embrace me and work through me.
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Notes to my unborn child: Vulnerability
If there is one thing I have learnt about life, it is that we live in a world of paradoxes. And none are more striking than the paradox that vulnerability is not only a sign of strength, but also creates strength.
Let me explain: we live in a society that is dominated by images of perfection and power. However, the reality is that none of us are perfect, except in our imperfection. Nor do any of us hold ultimate power: power moves from person to person, depending on circumstances.
What I have learnt about Vulnerability
Because so many of us feel we need to be perfect, to be powerful, we hide away all those aspects of ourselves that are less than perfect, as if we are ashamed of them. As if they make us a 'failure', or weaken us in some way.
When someone has the courage to be honest, to speak of their fears, insecurities or confusion, they are showing their vulnerability. That honesty is incredibly powerful. Most of us lack the courage to be so honest. And it is for that reason that, in owning our own vulnerability, we can also own our own power.
This is because we are being authentic, congruent and speaking with integrity. No amount of show-man-ship can ever usurp the quiet, dignified powerfulness that eminates from being authentic, even if it is to own our vulnerability.
I suspect this is for two reasons: first, because it takes courage to be authentic. And second, because everyone has areas of our lives where we feel vulnerable. When we acknowledge our own vulnerability, we make it acceptable for others to own theirs, to be more authentic, and for transformation to occur.
What I wish for you
My heart-felt wish for you is that you understand the true nature of power. It does not arise from force, fear or flattery; genuine power comes from deep within, when you understand and can acknowledge who you are, with integrity and authenticity, and when you allow others to be who they are, with acceptance and trust.
Vulnerability is not something to be feared or exploited: it is a part of the human condition. It points towards opportunities for growth and exploration, as much as for compassion and understanding.
Notes to my unborn child: Flexibility
"In matters of opinion, go with the flow. In matters of principle, stand firm like a rock"
I can think of no greater advice than this, dear child, it has helped me enormously.
Flexibility is like bubbles in champagne: they animate, they bring sparkle, they joyfully explode in different directions. And so it is with life: it can be a sparkling, joyful, animated affair, as long as we are open to it, engaged with it and playing with life. The key to that openess is Flexibility.
As we get older there is a real danger that that we think we have 'learnt life's lessons', we know how the world works. But what many of us are really doing is limiting our choices, closing down our boundaries... in sum, we are becoming more rigid. To live without flexibility, without a willingness to experiment, a curiousity to discover the new, is to wring all the joy out of life.
What I have learnt about Flexibility
I have areas of my life where I am open and flexible, where I believe anything is possible - and so I am often surprised and amazed by life. There are other areas where I am closed, and in those areas, there are less surprises and gifts!
If I have had one challenge, it is learning when to be flexible and when to stand in a firm, centred sense of Self. Possibly because 'Agreeableness' is possibly one of my strongest character traits, I've had to learn how to balance pleasing others with pleasing myself.
I used to be infinitely flexible in an attempt to make others happy, without always realising that I was resentful of going too far for them and not far enough for myself and my happiness. The quote above really helped me understand flexibility in a new light, and how to use this value with more discernment.
Flexibility is a wonderful blessing, and like any other blessing, it has taken me time to understand how to use it effectively, as a skill or a tool, that enhances life for all, rather than feeling as though it owns me.
My wish for you
My wish for you is very simple - that you remain supple and open to life's possibilities, with the wonder and curiosity of a child. Life only closes down and becomes predictable when we close down and become predictable.
If caterpillars refused to change, we would have no butterflies!
So allow yourself the luxury of personal challenges, of exploration, of going beyond your comfort zone, and of attempting what others think is impossible. If you can remain open and flexible, you will be able to relish life and its dazzling gifts most fully.
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Notes to my unborn child: Determination
Determination is less about hard work, and more about a complete commitment to your vision.
The most radical aspect of determination is that it transforms obstacles into solutions-waiting-to-be-born. When determination is aligned with passion, purpose, and joy, it acts like a lubricant, helping you to overcome obstacles with ease. When you have a dream, but no determination, each obstacle will make you question whether you should follow that dream or not. When you are determined to realise that dream, the obstacles are no longer as big or as daunting; they melt into challenges that help you uncover new ways of being and doing. Determination opens doors that you cannot even imagine before you embark on a particular journey.
What I have learnt about Determination
When I was doing my final exams in school, my teachers thought I was a pretty average student (at best!). One evening in September, a friend of Dad's came for supper. He was a pilot. Listening to him speak, I decided then and there that I wanted to be a pilot too.
I became determined to be a pilot. That meant I had to work incredibly hard to gain the grades necessary. Weekends, evenings, holidays... I studied constantly. It was hard work, but my determination to achieve my goal meant that I could work that hard, that passionately, and not feel that it was a burden. Determination dissolved any sense of burden.
As you may know, I didn't become a pilot! I did get spectacular exam results, but I failed the aptitude test! And here is the second learning I received: pursuing a goal (even if others say it is unrealistic) is always worthwhile, even if we don't achieve that goal. The journey will bring us to where we are meant to be. And each journey will open up new opportunities and enrich our character.
What I wish for you
My wish for you is that you play with determination. That you discover, through the course of your life, visions, goals and dreams that you decide to pursue with determination.
My wish for you is that experience the sense of fulfillment and exhileration that comes from committing to something you believe in whole-heartedly, whether you appear to succeed or to fail.
Remember, it is often the journey that matters more than the destination.
Friday, 10 September 2010
Notes to my unborn child: Balance
For many, I think, Balance means being 'rounded': for example, being involved in sports, art, community work, friendships... and finding a way to juggle these different aspects of life so that we are 'balanced'.
I see it very differently. There are some people who are born with rounded personalities: they are interested in many different aspects of life. This is indeed a great gift. And there are others, many more, I imagine, who are interested in just one or two different things. Then there are others, who discover a passion for one aspect of life.
Passion and balance don't seem to go together very well on the surface but, at a deeper level, I see tremendous harmony between them. For me, Balance is a feeling of inner freedom. Your life may revolve around your passion, your family and friends... you may have no real interest in other areas of life. And I don't think that matters so much, if you feel that you are free inside. If you feel that life simply flows through you, because you are loving what you are doing when you do it, then I believe you have found your Balance.
Too many people make themselves ill, tried and grumpy trying to fit in all the different activities they feel they should do in order to be Balanced. This is a mind game, the ego trying to achieve control, prestige... I suspect it's missing the very point.
Search instead for the feeling of inner freedom - there is your Balance, your Centred Point.
What I have learnt about Balance
I will be brutally honest. I'm not great on Balance. I'm one of those people who have searched for 'Balance' in all the wrong places. I've thought it was about being 'rounded' and interested in many things. I've thought it was finding a sense of spiritual peace through meditation. It was only in writing this piece for you that I finally came to understand it differently.
It was only last night that I understood that Balance is a sense of inner freedom, a feeling of lightness and spaciousness with life. Not a life crammed with 'should', 'must', or 'oughts'; but a life that honours the unique gifts I have to offer, a life that makes my passions, delights and gifts the foundation stone of my daily thoughts and actions. It's a liberating insight... I wonder how it will work out in reality.
What I wish for you
You are a gift to the world. Your coming is a unique moment that will never be repeated. And your life purpose and legacy is as unique as you are. My wish is that you discover your own Balance, that you learn to discern when you feel centred, when you feel free - where life is effortless, simply because you are living in your own flow.
Then you will have achieved Balance.
Thursday, 9 September 2010
The Labour of Language
Yet language has profound power to shape how we experience life events. It creates expectations, whether good or bad, almost before we know it. It sets the stage, creates the atmosphere and it can even pre-programme our physical, emotional and mental reactions to events.
With only 4-5 weeks left before the baby's birth day, I find myself increasingly concerned by the language of birth.
The concept of Labour has the immediate effect of putting me off giving birth: the word Labour carries within it the unpleasant, ardous, grey and, quite possibly, thankless odour of great physical toil.
The concept of Contractions, literally closes me down at an unconscious level. A contraction is about closing down, the word evokes smallness, constriction, closure and narrowness. Surely this is exactly the opposite of child birth.
Birth is expansive, it is regenerative... It affirms humanity's existance and ensures our future. It propogates our species. Why does the language used to describe this event embody the very antithesis of this primary biological function?
What if labour was called birthing? Rather than hard graft, birthing evokes the hope, joy and newness that accompany child-birth.
What if contractions were called surges? Rather than the body closing down, it is in fact, opening up. It is expanding, growing, and pushing forth new life. It has its own rhythm. It is a dance that neither the mother nor the child need to coordinate, they simply need to be willing to be led, as the steps unfold in this most intimate dance of life.
The very language used to describe birth may accurately describe many women's experience of birth. But this may also be because that very language set, created the expectation of those negative experiences. Could we not reconceptualise the dance of birth by replacing the hard cold language with ideas and words that point towards the inherently expansive potential of the moment?
Having never experienced childbirth, I appreciate I may seem naive. I'm happy to be naive. I'm happy to consider the possiblity that while this may be one of the most physically challenging events of my life, it is a great gift and, furthermore, that my body can cope with that challenge with some degree of grace and inner wisdom.
They thought humans could not run a mile in under 4 minutes. Until humans did. In decades to come, will we also look back with wonderment at the negative and painful portrayal of childbirth that, unsurprising, may have created negative and painful experiences of childbirth?
Notes to my unborn child: Willingess
Willingness is rather like Acceptance but, for me, it has a much more dynamic energy to it. Acceptance of what is, is a crucial life skill. But Willingness asks us to whole-heartedly embrace that reality, to dance with it, to become a partner to what is, and create something even more splendid through the very act of dancing joyfully with reality.
What I have learnt about Willingness
I believe that I have spent too much of my time and energy wishing life were different. It is only now, after four decades, that I am finally realising that I can disagree with reality all I like, I can fight it, I can even pray for reality to be different, but reality will always win! Accepting what is, rather than rejecting it, is a crucial first step in living a life of joy and delight.
The second step is Willingness. For me, this is about embracing my reality; it is not about running from it, hiding from it or wishing it were different. But diving into it and exploring the life circumstances in which I find myself. Not pulling agasint them, but actively playing with them...
Willingness is a gateway to a different kind of experience where I can watersurf with the waves rather than exhaust myself swimming against them.
What I wish for you
For you, I wish that life is a dance. That you embrace each moment you live fully. The more whole-hearted your embrace, the greater the joy you will experience, as you live in the flow of life.
There are always experiences that we find challenging, but even then, if you can accept these moments and allow them to teach you, rather than wish they were over or pretend they aren't happening, you will have created a miracle. You will have done the work of the Alchemist, turning coal into gold.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Notes to my unborn child: Honesty
In a few short weeks, you will start your life journey, out in the world. Finding your way in the world can be as daunting as it is exhilerating. It is only through interacting with the world that you discover who you truly are: and what a magnificent journey of discovering that is.
There really is no map for life, but I do believe that there are coordinates: the values that we hold dear, the values that we live by, these values give us our sense of perspective and, perhaps most importantly, an understanding of how to navigate our way through life when the rivers are inexplicably transformed into white water rapids.
There are many ways to understand values, and you will discover your own unique perspective as you journey, but here are a few ideas to mull over, in the meantime. As you will discover, all values are ultimately interwoven into each other, making it impossible to live one value without living several others simultaneously).
Honesty and Truth are closely aligned, though different. Honesty is about seeing what is. It is about going beyond what we are told to believe, and discovering the essence for ourselves. It is about seeing both the 'good' and 'bad' and, ultimately, seeing through 'good' and 'bad'.
Honesty is aligned with Integrity. Honesty allows you to stand on firm ground, free of lies and deceits, and the fear of being 'caught out'. It is the equivalent of finding the Northern Star, for when you live from honesty, you always know where you stand.
What I have learnt about Honesty
I have always tried to speak as if the world was listening. I don't like speaking behind people's backs so I have always considered, "if this statement were heard by that person, how would they feel?"
For that reason, I have tended to focus rather more on the positive and on the potential, rather than on the muddiness of a situation or person. For this, some people think I am naive. Perhaps... but by seeing the potential is anyone, we automatically create a connection to that potential: it is suddenly closer and more possible than it was before.
If there is a flaw in this approach, it is that I struggle with giving critical feedback, even when it's necessary. Learning to understand that people do recover from having their feelings hurt has been a big learning for me.
My wish for you
My wish for you is that you learn to stand gracefully in honesty. That you can see the good, the potential that exists and, where necessary, you have the courage to stand up and say, "The Emperor is wearing no clothes".
Friday, 3 September 2010
So I'm stripping back the layers of myself, discovering who I am, without the need to prove myself or win favour. What I am discovering is that I am who I have always been, the essence of my character is the same, although the ideas I've adopted over time have sometimes hidden that from me. Sometimes, I got in my own way because I focused on those frameworks, on those ideas, a little more than I focused on my own essence, on being myself.
I was listening to an interview with Wayne Dyer just now and he spoke about the gift of wanting the love, peace and joy that we desire for ourselves for others. Wanting it for them even more than we want it for ourselves. This, I believe in. I've always believed in it.
I used to think that I had to get down into the trenches with others, into their pain, anger, distress or deprivation in order to convey the care, love and compassion I felt. But I can never become depressed enough to heal someone else of depression. Being in the trenches did not work.
I had the right idea, but my tool was a little misguided. I just got covered in mud. Lots of it! And it wasn't even my mud!
What I realise now is that less is more. I don't have to take on the struggle of another. I simply have to be open to loving them. To wanting them to feel happiness more than I want to feel happiness, as St Francis said,
"Master, Grant that I may never seek,
so much to be understood, as to understand,
to be loved, as to love with all my soul."
It is about melting the barriers I erect in my heart and allowing the love that exists to flow freely; allowing love to use me as a channel to flow, comfort and nurture another. This may be radical love. Imagine a world of Radical Love Guerillas! A world where people are constantly showering love on other, not through schmaltz, but simply by being allowing it to flow through our hearts and out towards others.
I believe this world is based on love, and allowing it to flow freely, especially to those who vex and stress us, can be profoundly healing - for us as much as for them. I remember once having an incredibly difficult client when I worked as a waitress in Italy. He arrived at the hotel for two weeks and no one else wanted to deal with him. I decided to make him my challenge, to shower him with love as I took his order, as I listened to his complaints, as I served him. And it worked: he blossomed like a rose in a very short time. He even gave me the biggest tip I ever got in that hotel!
But more to the point, nineteen years later, I still think of him with love because he was my teacher. He showed me how powerful love can be, especially when I am not searching for anything for myself, just simply to "love with all my heart."
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Letting go of spiritual ambition
For the past twenty years, I've read books and listened to talks by the great masters. Sometimes I've even understood them! But always I have been left with a sense of yearning... for the peace they describe, for the love they describe flowing through your being, for the deep knowing that 'All is Well'...
With each book, I've wanted it just a little bit more. Those books became my escapism. While reading I could leave this reality behind and dream of a easier, kinder world.
I tried different prayers, different practices, different schools of thought, but always with a deep, driving need to prove my worth as a being (both human and spiritual).
Over the past fortnight, I've seen some interviews on Conscious.tv, and most notably, one with Suzanne Foxton, I've changed my view.
There's something profoundly inspiring (and relatable) about the idea of Suzanne, a housewife, achieving enlightenment whilst washing up! It is amazing that we live in a time when so many people are spontaneously achieving enlightenment. Suzanne believes that we don't have to do anything. We don't have to strive or deprive... We simply have to be alive.
Listening to her, I saw my spiritual ambition clearly. The neediness that drove it. The fear that whispered that I am not good enough and need to prove myself spiritually, because (oh, this old-school thinking is embarrassing) 'God' is the ultimate judge: money and power come and go, but God's grace is eternal. But those were my thoughts: I had identified the Simon Cowell of the Universe, and I'd gone about winning 'his' favour.
I can see that sub-personality inside myself, the bundle of thoughts, fears and hopes, all knotted together like a messy ball of wool. Now, not getting caught up in that bundle of thoughts is a different matter entirely!
It's a new challenge to understand that I don't have to somehow 'win God's favour', or prove myself worthy by being or doing anything other than I am. That had been my focus almost 20 years.
Now, I suspect that Enlightenment is more of a byproduct of life, than the focus of it. Which brings me back to the present moment, the present reality: my life, free of the need to win favour or be 'good'.
Who am when I strip away the goal that was my guiding star? Time will tell...
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