Thursday 23 September 2010

One flew into the cuckoo's nest...

The smart people fly over the cuckoo's nest.  The not-so-bright fly in!  Guess where I was yesterday?! As I perched on a chair to clear out a remote kitchen cupboard, I did feel as though I was being a tad irrational, that I had tumbled into the nest...

This week I started 'nesting'... suddenly nothing was clean enough and everything had to be cleaned.  Again!

So in the past four days I've done about 8 loads of washing, bleached the bathroom, cleaned out the fridge and freezer... you get the picture.  Yesterday, perched on a chair, I decided to tackle the highest kitchen cupboards.  I say 'I decided to', but I'm not clear how much discretion I actually had in the decision - it was more like a deep internal compulsion than a rational decision.

As I balanced there, I gradually became aware of impressive waves of pain encircling my back.  It took a little longer for me to realise these might be early labour pains; as I'm only just 37 weeks, this is a bit earlier than even I had planned! 

It was my reaction to this realisation that intrigued me.  I suddenly panicked: not because birth was imminant, but because I may not get everything clean before the birth!

I was timing the contractions (every 12 minutes) yet I still felt compelled to finish the cupboard, change the bed linen and put on another load of washing before allowing myself to relax.

As the waves ebbed and flowed throughout the day, I became lightly obsessed with the cupboard that had 'got away'.  By 3.30pm there was still no real progression, so I did the last wash and finished that cupboard.  Now I was ready to devote myself to the birthing process.  But it wasn't ready for me!

It's mid-day on Thursday 23rd, as I write.  And I'm still at home.  No real movement yet, so I can only assume that the process is unfurling in tune with its own inner knowing. 

The process of birthing is a new journey for me.  It has intrigued and excited me for a while... as well as intimidating me.  I deeply believe that it is in moments of duress, or exceptional moments, that we have the opportunity to reach towards who we wish to be... we can go beyond our conditioned patterns and step into the person 'we wish we were'.  And that is my vision for this birth.

I noticed yesterday (once I got over the Mother Hen Nesting SuperEgo phase) that who I want to be through this process is a strong, supple and focused woman.  But rather than searching for that inside, rather than 'becoming' that person, which - to me - implies active mental effort, I wish to be that woman. 

By this I mean that I wish to get out of my own way... to allow the process to unfold gracefully around me... to slip below the voices of fear-of-pain, panic-with-the-unknown, and any other voices grappling for control and 'ownership' of this process.

I am choosing, so far, to let these voices go whenever they begin to screech in my mind.  As they speak up, I focus on being physical and emotional softness... on breathing... on letting all that is superfulous melt away.  How this process will work when the intensity changes, I don't know, but what a blessing to have this journey to play with, to explore...

Last night, my friend Georgeanne dreamt that it would be a very easy birth, and I dreamt that my grandmother, who died 18 years ago, came to me and told me, "Everything is going to be alright". 

These are subtle gifts that inspire me and give me hope... this process is unfolding in accordance with an inner wisdom and all I need do is surrender the desire for control, accept that a greater wisdom is conducting this symphony, and allow that wisdom to embrace me and work through me.

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