I've been sinking for a while now; ground down by an unending wave of everyday, mundane jobs that never, ever seem to end and a world in the final throws of all out virtual war, or so it seems to me.
Days grind on, I feel heavier and denser, lonelier, angrier and more short tempered. It's not really a pretty picture. Try living with me!
Today, I sank under the waves of life. I felt terrified of living one more day in what seems like an unending flow of banal, meaningless tasks that are no sooner completed, then they need to be repeated - housework is a great example of that particular category.
I tried to channel, but I think my vibration was too low to pick up any wisdom. I asked for help, but didn't really expect anything. Help is often so subtle that I miss it: my bad.
So I meditated, as I do every day, with greater and lesser success. I was about to finish when I noticed that there was a wave of energy 'pushing' me from my left. Often when I'm channeling, I will feel the energy come from the right, so coming for the opposite side caught my attention.
I decided to stay with it. After about five minutes, it began to radiate in front of me, rather than the side. Another five minutes and it moved to the right. Then I felt a feather-light warmth rub across my cheek several times. After another while, it moved to my back.
As this was happening, I saw a Phoenix covered in black ashes. I got the feeling that the Phoenix can't see while it's 'on fire' and covered with ashes. It is only after the fire has cleansed it, that its fiery magnificence is visible and it knows it can fly, transformed from shadowy darkness to brilliant purity.
My sense is that many of us are in a similar position. Feeling out of sorts, under and over-whelmed by life and the world at large, at a loss for where to go and what to do. It's as if someone pressed the 'pause' button on life, but didn't tell us!
Though I feel a little better right now, I wouldn't say that I'm feeling my old self. It's more that I'm willing to accept that this is where I am, where many of us are. I share this experience, in case it helps you make sense of yours, in case you too are going through the life as if 'paused'.
At a higher level, nothing is lost, nothing is wasted, and I am pretty sure, nothing is ever on pause: it just looks like that to us.
We can do this, live through the hiatus, the mundane greyness of a Tuesday. I'm not out of the sea, but at least I'm bobbing on the surface now. And I sincerely hope you are too <3