Tuesday 22 November 2011

New dawn, same path

I love being a mother, but when everyone else has jobs as well as motherhood, I wonder who am I to be so lucky that I can spend this time with my son.  I know it's because I haven't got any of the jobs I've applied for, so it's a double edged sword.  On the one side, I'm delighted to have the time with James and on the other side, I wonder how I'm so unemployable.

Thank goodness sleep cleanses the mind.  I'm not feeling so forlorn or failing as last night.  I am on my path.  Patience.

Recently, facebook suggested as a 'friend' a teacher I really admire.  I would never have thought of friending her, as I simply assumed she was too far outside my league but, according to facebook, we had two mutual friends.  Who could they be?

When I checked, I could have laughed.  Of course it was them!  They are my successful friends, the two who are known internationally in their chosen fields.  But, as I thought about them, what struck me is how different they are from each other.  One uses every ounce of her will power to achieve all that she has achieved.  The other is constantly surrendering every situation to a higher power, waiting for her intuition to show her the next step.

If I'm like one of them, it's the Surrenderer.  That is my path, my natural way.  I believe that the spiritual path must surely be one that calls forth and amplifies the best in us, not forces us to be what we are not. Applying this to my fear of not living up to my potential, of not being 'enough', brought two insights.

First, I realised that the divine isn't looking at me thinking, 'she's so lazy'.  No, that's me.  That's my ego.  That's my fear speaking.  It's not the thought of divine love.  Seeing myself from a different perspective, outside myself, I realised that I'm not being lazy, and God is not judging me harshly: I'm the only one doing that.

The second thing I realised was that my path is where it is right now.  I may wish for a path that has more social status, higher visiblity, or a more socially endorsed contribution, but that is not where I am.

With time, this too will change, and I will know what to do and when, by surrendering and listening for the voice of intuition, feeling for the tug of soul.


  1. Jennifer, Be assured that you are on the path of wholeness and life, and where you are on your journey in this moment is the perfect place for you to be. We can get impatient and anxious sometimes, when it seems that the way is not like that that others are walking, but we must each listen to that voice of true self from deep within and stay true to that. You'll know when it is time to move to the next thing, and be able to flow into it when it appears.

  2. Hi Greg,

    Thank you for cheerleading :) I totally agree with what you say and I do try to live it, but sometimes, fear and apprehension sneak in. As you say, it's when we are going against the tide that it can seem hardest. Perhaps that is not a sign that I've got it wrong, I'm just in a different place. I often enjoy being 'different', but sometimes it just feels lonely and in those moments, I do wonder what everyone else knows that I don't know! I don't imagine salmon second guess the other fish swimming with the current as they defy gravity and common sense, by racing backwards, upriver. Maybe I'm a salmon!