Thursday 15 October 2009

Learning to flow

Perhaps I have mentioned this before, but this has been a particularly hard time for me. I don't want to sound grandiose, just simply to acknowledge an inner struggle that I have been facing, and I'm sure I'm not alone for we all struggle with different areas of our lives.

I returned from honeymoon convinced that life was about to change enormously, it felt as if something was growing, building… Perhaps it's my impatience, but it didn't! In fact, all the things we are trying to achieve appear to be completely blocked, from finding a home to getting pregnant or writing a book... Nothing seems to be working. Given my vast age (hey, 39 is old for making babies!) I have been left with a real sense of failure, of being off in some backwater of life and utterly unable to find the tributary that will bring us back into the flow of life.

I've read that this is a period of rest and dramatic change; so life is, as ever, full of paradoxes! So I went on strike yesterday! I had an insight that I was trying too hard to grasp at what I wanted and this desire was actually closing down opportunities.

I was forcing, not flowing.

So I refused to do anything - I watched romcoms and ate chocolate! But the interesting thing that happened is that as I fell asleep, I had some book ideas and they clarified this morning. I have a sense of purpose. I don't know how long that will last, but if this is a period of dramatic change, then I'm up for it! Perhaps this is a moment when life will grow bigger; I've seen it happen for some of my friends, so why not me?

But the experience does highlight a deeper insight: there is a difference between forcing and flowing (part of yesterday's blog, ironically enough). This is not an overnight process…

I've battled with this for years. I've wanted to write a book for years, not since yesterday. It has taken 100s of pages of writing, sometimes forced, sometimes flowing, but always in the hope that I’m at least taking steps towards my goal, even if I have to ditch all those pages.

I've been down this road before – an idea that burns up in the light of day – but I know that one day it will happen, because I really do feel it in my bones. When we feel something in our bones with such conviction, it really is just a question of time, I believe. They say there are no unreasonable dreams, just unreasonable timeframes!

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