Tuesday 27 October 2009

Waiting for dawn...

I feel as though I’m lost at sea… at night… in a rowing boat. I have no idea where the sun will rise or when. So, in the meantime, I just have to be patient and believe that any moment now, dawn will break…

It's an odd experience, keeping hope alive but having nothing on which to 'hang’ it. It is, quite simply, hope for its own sake.

It's a test of my strength of character: and I'm not sure that I'm passing with flying colours but I'm scrapping my way through. Or at least I hope I am!

There are days and periods that test my ability to persevere and find a silver lining, much less the light of dawn! This is one such moment: work is going through a slump, finding a job seems impossible and, yet another month shows that babies and a home still elude us. And while I may talk about these events (or non-events!) with some degree of humour, the truth is that they do cut deep, not least of all the desire to have a child.

So I have to walk my talk: if I say that I believe that every event is an opportunity if we choose to think of it in that way, I need to find that in myself when my back is against the wall. I believe that my life is created by the stories I tell about my experiences: I can either be the hero or the victim, the villain or the knight. The knack is to find a positive perspective, a deeper wisdom in the seemingly random events of life.

And so I am the knight…! I imagine that this is an opportunity to prove to myself that I believe in the best, even when all the props and crutches are taken away. For me, that builds some degree of authenticity and integrity.

So, every time I feel confused and deflated - about 2-4 times an hour at last count! - I remind myself that, ultimately, this too will change. The dawn is coming... I wonder what new horizons it will bring with it!

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